Persevere. That’s what James 1:4 asks me to do. But I find it hard to do.
You see, today is the first birthday I have ‘celebrated’ while my mother is on the other side of eternity. Yes, I’ve faced thanksgiving and Christmas and more since April 7th at 3 am in the morning… but none of those holidays have colored my day quite today has. I’ve been internally sullen and unsettled. I desire peace in my head and heart and am struggling to find it in either.
Truth is, this is the day that my mother witnessed my first breath while I was honored to witness her last. And that is something all the old heads tell me I’ll never quite get over. I don’t intend to. But I do desire to persevere. Enter James. Count it all good when a Christian is struggling or beset or struggling because the Word says I will find his perfect peace in my weakness.
I’m reminded that when we marry we are to forsake all other and to leave our mothers and fathers. Until losing my mom I wasn’t sure why. I mean I had superficial reasons I could intellectualize but nothing spiritual. Now I know why. It is so that we may have the comfort of a betrothed and committed friend and lover to give us solace when mom no longer can. And in that comfort God will be found because it is He who brought and keeps us together.
I think I know why so many adults who also have lost parents generally have a sadness that tinges their joy. It’s not always because the world has got them down. Nor is it always because they’ve seen fire and seen rain. It’s because mom is gone. Dad may be gone too. And no one sends cards anymore.
I’m sure this melancholy worthy of a Smiths song will pass, but until then, I shall persevere because I am not alone. God is still with me and I need to let the perseverance work on me so I may finally mature and be complete. Thank you Holy Spirit for your presence and your guidance. But most of all for the strength to persevere. Amen.